...I'd fight Gandhi...

 Alright so I'm finally getting out of here. I thought I wouldn't be getting out until the 14th but I got a call from my parents so I'm good. But the thing is they're not taking me to Chicago. They're taking me to Indiana....in the middle of nowhere. So it's like, I had plans before they said that. Now it's going to be harder to do what I wanted. Hah I wanted to buy a few DVDs right off the bat. I was going for Less Than Zero and if that wasn't there I'd go for Natural Born Killers because I know it'll be there no matter what. Ah but now since a Best Buy isn't "in town" I gotta drive further out. That's just one thing though I was going to buy a bowl off of my buddy Jose and then a few gs. But I won't be seeing him now...so I gotta make do with the people that might be out there and hope for the best. I know there's a shop in the mall at South Bend that sells bowls so I could go there (but it's like a 2 hour drive). Ah but that's just the minor issues. I'm just really excited to be leaving Utah now. I really can't stand it here and I know I will never be going back no matter what people tell me.

Guess I'm going to go for what I've started out trying...even if the outcome will be somewhat embarrassing...I need this to work.

Did not work. Very sick. Threw up a lot. Can't sit up too long. Dizzy. Haven't tried talking.

I don't do a lot. I go to class, go eat and go back to my dorm and just stay there until the cycle repeats. So taking that into consideration...I have this friend named Bryan. We've gone out to dinner twice and hung out a few times. He likes me but I don't like him (like that)...This is starting to sound kind of juvenile. But I'm getting to the point fast.

So he wanted to know if I was busy Friday so we could go out or something...obviously I'm not busy so I said I wasn't. I told my sister about that and she says I'm leading him on...I don't think I am, I mean I kind of make it obvious I'm not really interested in him (not in a mean way, I just don't sit close or anything). So I'm not sure of what I should do now...I can't bail out on Friday because I really have nothing planned and I don't want to make up some excuse at the last minute (because I can't think of one).

I know next Friday he wants me to go to one of his sister's plays or whatever...That's way ahead I could probably take the time to think of something because I don't want to be leading him on if that's what I'm doing. I really don't know what to do right now I can't just say to him "I'm sorry if it seems like I'm leading you on" or whatever because I'm really bad with confrontations and all of that. I was thinking of maybe slowly making up excuses to ease off of it? I don't know...

 
now I have this bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, I always get that if I think I did something wrong and I just want that to go away....I can't wait until this month is over then I'm out of this state and back in Chicago and I won't have to deal with any kind of drama...

Yesterday was Valentines Day. It doesn't matter to me, it never has since I never do anything for it...I could've though since this guy has been phoning me constantly.

So yesterday after my American Lit class, I get a call from my sister pretty much saying, "Mom wants you to e-mail Ian to see if he's alive"...I was confused I thought something happened with his Hockey bus that it tipped or something or maybe he got in a car accident (my other cousin drove drunk and crashed, she's fine though). But then my sister elaborated on it saying that there was a shooting at NIU...It didn't really sink in at first all I said was "I don't see why anyone would want to shoot Ian." That was my reaction.

I don't know if I was in shock the rest of the day because it never really sank in until 2am...I couldn't sleep and my throat kept getting dry. I was planning to get my grades up and transfer over to NIU next fall. I don't know what to think right now, I've cried a few times today and my throat is still really dry no matter how much water I drink.

I'm not sure what that guy was trying to do when he shot those students...he was a sociology major was he trying to prove something about society? I don't know...What I know is that I can't focus on anything right now. When I was a little kid and I was hurt I'd cry so much that I'd hyperventilate...and for some reason it feels like I'm going to start doing that right now even though I'm not crying.

Today I wore red to remember the lives that were lost yesterday. My sister said there was a moment of silence for the Virginia Tech students last year on our campus...but today there was nothing for the NIU students...They should've done something. That's all I've got, I just needed to type about it.

Never forget February 14, 2008.

I didn't do much this weekend... I was sitting in my room on my computer (the lights were off no music playing, window open) it was about 9:00 pm. I was really into typing then I heard this huge metallic bang i'm thinking "ignore it don't turn your head" then I heard it again so I looked out the window I see Jake jumping on my neighbors window well cover trying to get phil's (my next door neighbor who was in the basement at the time) attention. so phil came outside (there were three guys there two people i don't know and jake) he runs at jake and tackles him then they all started laughing and got in a car a drove off...i was thinking "what the fuck just happened?" well..at least I saw jake. I was screwing around with this one site (www.deviantart.com) just looking at the prose(short stories ect..) gallery, it was all weird the people on there wrote their paragraphs all funky and had barely any detail in them. they had pretty interesting ideas though. anyway... some guy it talking to me in AIM and it's freaking me out so I'm going to go...

Gahh I didn't get to go on the internet yesterday, I stayed up all day anyway but I wasn't online...even though there's nothing to do online I feel like I need to whine about not going on...My sister Lauren keeps complaining about how they're going to put reagan on the ten dollar bill and boot hamilton she photoshopped a picture of hamilton and modernized it and she's all like "he looks hot!!" I don't want to do summer school! it's going to suck six weeks off of my vacation! Stupid cd player little crafty manipulative bastard screwed me over! I've been playing neopets a lot lately I don't know why I want to stop but I can't...It's scaring me..everything's so damn happy...Oh and I've been writing this sort story for this one site I'm not done but I think it's pretty interesting it's called "riker" pronounced (rye-ker) I don't know what it's really about I'm kind of making it up as I go along...it probably sucks...I can't think of anything to type or complain about so I think i'll step away from the keyboard

Nothing really going on. yesterday at school there's this pit (where all the people sit in during lunch hour, or passing periods just to talk) well these seniors and juniors approached the pit in like a mini mob and stood in the center and put a two foot blow up penis in the center of the pit and fled the scene. it was funny because everyone became quiet then all at once started laughing because Mr. Levitt (the dean) picked it up and tried to pop it (but he held it near his crotch and started squeezing it for like 5 mins) then it finally popped...(I think he enjoyed it). anyway after this week I only have ten more days left of this school year (not counting finals) that means just ten days before Jake graduates. next year I'm going to be so lost and depressed. I've liked a guy before but not like this (I would seriously die for him at the drop of a hat) I'd do anything just to be with him. I donno maybe I'm just obsessed. All I do is think about him throughout the school day and when I'm at home. I don't know but when next year comes I'm going to be lost... In gym we are doing archery and I'm good at it i guess I hit the bullseye twice on my first try then the band just around the bullseye twice then I hit the bullseye again (I scare people now :lol: ) If I screw up highschool and can't get into a college I'm going to join the army. I'm not really thinking at the moment..
-I'm out

Some idiot at school infected me with thier plague! (I have a cold) those bastards! I sound like a manly girl eating cheese when I talk and each time I cough I go "*cough* oh fuck" the fuck comes automatically which I need to try and stop because I have to go to school tomorrow because, math I need the notes, english I have this project due, and science I have this powerpoint thing due. if i miss any it's an automatic F for the project. I don't want to go to school :cry: it sucks balls. I need to stop swearing and using vulgar language, it looks bad and sounds bad. I need new shoes I've been wearing these skechers since 8th grade and the sole of the shoe is coming off on both shoes and there are holes in them (my parents won't get me new shoes). And I need new clothes i wear the same thing week after week (but i wash them!) monday: Adema new fire logo T-shirt, tuesday: nantucket T-shirt, Wensday: my stupid rebel shirt, Thursday: Black hooded sweatshirt, Friday: My Mud jeans tattoo shirt or my Nike shirt. see boring!! I'm all normally weird. and none of these shirts go up past the zipper of my pants because I think it's sick (i don't know why) I think i'm going to throw up my stomach hurts like hell I need something to drink like mt. dew or something. I'm getting something to drink so...
-I'm out

SHIT!! no!!! I got my midterm and I have an F in math F is for fucked that's what i'm going to be over the dam nsummer I'll have to goto fucking summer school all summer!! shit no I hate school fuck there goes my fucking transcript!! shit It's to late to bring it up to a fucking D I need to study my ass off for the next test!! shit i hate studying!! fuck yeah this killed my depression right now I'm freaking out!! goddamnit.

I am lost, nothing left for me. I was at school today Jake was there. We gave eye contact. I was thinking about him the rest of the day, how he's cute and everything I like in a guy. When I was leaving the school I saw him. he saw me I kind of smiled (the uhh..wtf..hi type of smile) then as I was exiting the building I saw him agian and we looked at eachother, he turns to the girl next to him and she hug's him. I was like "fuck I'm an idiot" then I walked away towards the bus, I felt so stupid and everything. I've liked him since the beginning of the year i should've made a move before then but I didn't now it's too late. I'll never find someone like that again, I'm a loser.

Yeah... anyway..I was imformed by my aunt that my older cousin bought a bee bee gun (out of no where "oh by the way Ian has a beebee gun") i was thinking "is that a threat?" christ anyway. Nothing really happened at school today I had to turn in my president letter (people wrote "dear, mr. president" mine was just like "Mr. Bush" I didn't even put dear hahah that fucker) and the people in my class wrote a whole paragraph thanking him for his time mine was a five worded sentence "Thank you for your time..." even had the elipsis at then end...and we had to put our home address at the bottom i was all like "no way in a rat's ass am I doing that" he could put a hit on me or something so I made up an addy. anyway I left my lunch ticket at home accidentally so I was hungry all day ( I didn't have supper/dinner the day before or breakfast) Jake was being all cute today I don't know why but he was because he usually is..Damn i'm so fucking pathetic shoot me in the head..anyway...as explained in the blog before this one never going to happen but I'll never stop thinking about him or anything like that. I have to do home work or something so I'm out.

Haven't added a blog in a couple of days..i donno when but i know i haven't. yesterday was friday and everything my stupid sister keeps saying stuff about me to other people...bitch. anyway i finally got a lunch ticket since i haven't had one for the last three weeks..i wish i still brought lunch in a way because the schools lunch sucks. I have to do some type of lyrix analysis in english so I picked the song "stinkfist by Tool" and she said it was too hard and didn't know what the "borderline" was..so I'm just like "uhhh...ok" and she's like "does this song have a sick meaning in it" i'm like "I don't think so...do you want it to?" she just kind of gave me a look that meant "what the fuck do you read/watch/listen to" type of look so I shot her the "i'm a stupid kid look" then that little screen play ended cause the bell rang...which it was 6th hour going into 7th hour which is when i see jake in the hallway and stuff...which i should give up because i don't have a chance...at all. because i'm nasty, a loser, a dumbass, 5'1, a freshmen, and a loser. and he's hot, cute, 6'0 or 5'11, a senior, not a loser i don't know what, and hot. yeah people would think it both gross and pathetic for a freshmen to go out with a senior and vise-versa. but my sister britt met her boyfriend when she was a freshmen and he was a senior and they went to prom and have been going out for years after. which i doubt would ever happen to me cause i'm an idiot...ok done for that session of complaining and truth. uhh..I finished my portrait i only drew it because it looks like this one guy i used to know named euan even though euan has black hair, really blue eyes, and is 6'5 and austrialian but sounds british both have the same last name though.. yeah and here's why me and jake will never happen

Okay... I didn't stay in my room all weekend as I had planned...I stayed in there for atleast 30 mins then had to pee...anyway I was at school today like normally on any weekday except we had a half day and stuff like that so I had shortened periods and for science i have to write a stupid letter to the president which I doubt he'll read but just in case he does I'm going to write mine as negatively as I can :D I haven't had a good lunch at school for atleast 3 weeks now so I just sit there with my friend and wait till it's 10 mins till the bell then we go wait near the C-wing by the pit but not in it. Jake got his hair cut, he looks cute it's all ruffley like he just woke up or something. I have a lot of homework...a packet for science, 1 worksheet and a assignment out of the book in math and I think I have german homework... I'm bored this blog sucks
i'm out

Duct taped the door knob locked so my parents can't come in all weekend then I added the internet to my comp so I would have a sorce of entertainment. it sucks though because I would have to pee sometime...and when it comes time to goto school I have to wake up at like 3 take a shower then take off to the bus stop 4 hours ahead of time...I'll goto a diff bus stop though..mwahhahh...I donno what i'll do when I have to pee..I want to watch tv now but mine isn't hooked up in my room yet...screw easter...I am trying to type softly so I won't be heard so I'm gonna end this as one of my shortest posts

Today sucked.. I had to read a poem in front of my english class well I was all nervous and shaky then some idiot kept interrupting me while I was talking so I finally shut him up by sayind "shut the fuck up you asshole mother fucker I'm going to go to your house at night and kill you in your sleep" well the teacher either heard it and ignored it or didn't hear it at all but the kid sure as hell did and shut up..the douche bag.. anyway.. Jake and his friends were hitting eachother during lunch (it started when one of them hit jake in the back of the head) afterwards they all started laughing (kind of brutal) my cousins are assholes... Ian (my older cousin) flips me and my sister off while we were walking home and then 5 hours later drives by and shouts "Mother fucking dumb bitches" our cousins don't like us we don't like them. see it's common to see why they are underaged drinkers, smokers, popular, and slutty. while me and my sisters are unpopular, don't drink or do drugs or smoke, and we dress normally (no tight pants and low hemmed shirt where when you bend down your shirt goes up and shows your crack) i hate that so I wear regular clothes I don't know how else to describe them. God school has about 5 or i don't know how many weeks left but I no it's a one digit number and then Jake graduates and I won't be able to see him..my life blows... and I got my report card for third quarter (b+,A,A-,A-,C,D-) Thanks to my science teacher i got a D- in science she never shows us are grade at any time in the quarter so we don't know wether to raise it or study or something...I got a c in math doesn't matter though c is average apparently.

Not much happened at school except I got in trouble right when I set foot in the school entrance (some idiot kid was censoring his language so i said sarcastically "you can say fuck anytime!" it was in a hick accent and everything the teacher claimed I said "I can say fuck whenever I want and no one's gonna stop me" seems to me something fishy is going on or they can't repeat what was said 5 seconds ago..dickheads.. anyway Jake was being all cute wearing his Tool sweatshirt (has a wrench in the shape of a penis on the back) i thought that was interesting lol anyway i don't like the new sub for english she's annoying and makes us go in front of the class a lot (I get all nervous and threaten people under my breath in front of the class) i hate oral presentations or whatever...I drew a lot of pixel images (like three..) I stayed up all night sunday because I didn't feel like sleeping so I ended up falling asleep 1st, 3rd, 6th, 7th, 8th, and 9th hour....*cough* but i luckily woke up when the bell rang not like past experiences(spelling?).. my parents keep yelling.annoying...bored..gonna go

I wasn't able to add a blog yesterday because my sister wouldn't get off the comp :evil: well to day is the last day of spring break Yay!! now i have to sit there in science class payig attention, jesus christ i hate science it bores the hell outta me and the teacher is vicious like a prostetic monkey on a rampage....i don't want to think about english class I got a new teacher because the old one was pregnant and went to have her baby now we have a full-time sub that really really hates swearing which i happen to do a lot in that class, 1. because there are assholes in it, 2 because I'm nervous, and 3 because i don't care i have an A in that class anywho just do the homework and pretend to pay attention. I wire my cd player up through my sweat shirt and have those mini head phones on mwahahahah!! i'm lost without my music one time i ran out of batteries during math class and i fell asleep and woke up 30 min into the next class. they had to evacuate the class room to wake me up (i don't know why) then they drug tested me because they thought i was on something (freaking idiots) god i hate the deans...but the I get to see Jake that's probably the only plus in the ending of spring break...life sucks balls

I wasn't on the internet at all yesterday because Lauren (my twin sister) wouldn't get off the computer the entire day... So I was bored all day yesterday my mom made me watch a movie with her "Sylvia" anyway the movie sucked it was worse then "About Schmidt" and "Seabiscuit" I didn't get the point of seabiscuit it was weird I know it was about a horse but that's all i got..so anyway the furnace broke so it's cold and shit..eww it's april fools...Yay spring break is almost over!! I hate it because I don't go anywhere and I miss jake :( damn he's soo cute gahhh I feel stupid so I'm gonna go.

Gahh Yesterday I did end up walking Casey.When I was walking her some guy was like following me it was creepy so I kept turning down any street trying to loose him it didn't work. Nothing good is on TV anymore my daily routine is so screwed (wake up, shower, eat, brush teeth, internet, watch tv for the rest of he day) gahh I'm so lost :cry: I need the tv to guide me lol that was gay sounding I love watching movies and shit like that but all they have on is "a walk to remember" and "crossroads" I hate both then they have "deliver us from eva" which just is pruny and stupid so I'm stuck doing nothing. my dad still keeps going on about that shitty short story i was writing and about the drawing of the guy with the gun held to his head...annoying me now. well I'm gonna go search the web for pics or something

Well yesterday nothing was on tv so I just read half of the day and listened to music "Adema, Tool and Flogging Molly" were on the playlist...anyway I drew some other pictures one of richard simmons yelling and one of some little kid behind a blanket but I didn't upload the richard simmons one yet so I finished the book I was reading "Key of Light" it was good and perverted but mainly good lol...no I'm not...maybe...*cough* anyway I didn't get around to the dog walking plan because it started raining (a fucking downpour damnit) so I'll probably do that when I get off this comp...I'll take casey because she craps on command..not really..Yesterday night I had coffee (on an empty stomach again!) I thought we ran out of creamer so I drank it black then when I was done with the nasty stuff there it was the stupid creamer...I had to suffer...ugh. I played Diablo II yesterday..it was boring because no one was saying anything..getting bored going to get off :D have fun!

Well last night I watched "S.W.A.T" which is a pretty good movie because I can stare at Colin Farrel for about and hour and a half except I'd prefer it were Justin Theroux because he's a really great actor and pretty interesting...anyway then after that I watched "A Knights Tale" I love that movie it's really funny one of my favorites as well. I was thinking of walking one of the dogs but then I didn't really feel like it because I'd have to walk it past asshole's house and asshole jr.'s house too maybe i'll walk ginger today so she can shit on their lawn or something...hehe..I'm imagining it right now..anyway last night i was thinking of what to draw and I needed to catch up on drawing hands, guns, and people so I thought what the hell why not a hostage situation so I was taking my sweet time (about two hours) on drawing it. I was nearly done shading it when my dad walks in the room and asks to see what i was drawing...this isn't as bad as the cat and dog fighting water color but it had a gun held to someone's head. [url=www.geocities.com/twilightkatana/hs.html]click to see it[/url] ..so he was it frowned and walked away into my moms room where they probably think it's a cry for help or some BS like that...goddamn i'm so screwed anyway I told them I wanted to join the marines and tey were all like "Nu-Uh no way in hell are you joining the marines it's a death wish! goto college!" I was thinking about going to college like a stupid art college in vermont and then after college I would move to Wicklow IE where I would work at a gallery or something gay like that...anyway I'm getting bored
I'm Out for today

The first complete day of spring break...sucked. I was bored because my parents made me go to the mall with them. my mom kept talking to me like I was a demented 3 year old. I watched "intolerable cruelty" today, it was funny and pretty good. and my adema shirt I ordered came in the mail today...I feel bored right now..which I most likely am...I'm going to start drawing some crap probably this whole week off because I'll be stuck in the house all day.missing jake. .I don't like going outside I'm a hermit damnit! I boycotted wearing shorts over the summer lol goddamn I have no life...I'm out :arrow:

I think I'm over reacting I always do when I drink coffee on an empty stomach...which is all the time. My head hurts and I feel like death keeled over :cry: Today is the first day of spring break..I should be happy after all the days I have off of school but I'm not :P I don't really care for my high school, the teacher's are nice it's mainly the students that kind of bother me, in my sceince class the kids went all predjudice (spelling?) on the teacher because he doesn't believe in god...I personally don't care what people believe in or don't but they went balistic and literally started yelling at him. And my sister got in trouble for writing a story in english class with too much detail in it (blood and gore mainly) but it was supposed to be a scary story that was the assignment, the teacher she has is a prissy..lol..sorry. I'll probably lay around my whole spring break because I'm not going anywhere..TV is my life outside of school otherwise I have no life (I'm a sad sad person)I'll be waiting for spring break to be over the entire time I'm off gonna miss jake (jesus I'm a freaking loser lol) wow... I was going to sign up for track this year but I got confused on where to get the sign up form so I'm screwed with that...
-gonna go draw or something... :roll: